[fic] Digital Devil Saga, "The Dreams in which I'm Dying" Title: The Dreams in which I'm Dying Author:harukami Rating: NC-17 Warnings: Spoilers up to DDS2, xenokink Word Count: 1780 Author's Notes: For the springkink prompt: Digital Devil Saga, Argilla/Jinana: Memories of a past life - In my dreams I'm dying all the time
She is crying, bent over Jinana's prone form. Jinana is bloody and exhausted and dying; she can see the life in Jinana's eyes and her cheeks and her fingertips, still clinging closely. She thinks, it shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be like this any more. Under her hands blood wells up and she can smell it and is hungry and that is the worst of all. She sobs. I love you, she can't say, because it's all too massive and terrifying. I love you. Jinana's flesh and blood under her fingers.
Jinana reaches up to touch her face. She begins to say something and Argilla can't hear what.
Jinana is warm in her arms. Argilla leans over and kisses her lips. They are marked with the taste of blood; Jinana lets out a sigh, reaches up, touches Argilla's cheek with chilled fingertips. Slides her fingers back into Argilla's hair, catches at the twined together twisted coils there. "You're so beautiful," Jinana says, and Argilla feels her heart clench and tears start to fall. Her nose is stuffed and her head is throbbing and she can't imagine that she is beautiful.
She's lying on the ground and feeling the rain beat down on her face, cold, cold warm. She reaches up and thinks: to be free from all this. Every breath in hurts. It would be nice to get away. She's so hungry and in so much pain. Peace, she thinks; why is there no peace?
Jinana bends over her. Her voice is mellow and calm and her teeth are stained with blood. "Argilla," she says. "Do not cry."
She presses her body desperately to Jinana's and rolls; like this, tangled together with chests pressed as tight as they will go and legs locked together, she can feel Jinana's heart beating, a pulse against her own body that flutters through her skin until she could absorb it just like that. She presses her face to Jinana's shoulder and sees the flutter of Jinana's throat. There's a matching pulse between her legs, warm and hungry, and she tries to ignore it; she does not want to devour Jinana, but she can't bring herself to let go, either.
Still, like this, it's fine, she tries to tell herself. She keeps her mouth fully closed, and there is no risk of devouring, just Jinana and herself entwined together, comrades, alike and different, moving as one. It's hard not to open her mouth; her breathing's heavy and wants to come faster, like it does when panicked, like it does when she's crying. The thought chokes her up and stings her eyes and Jinana falls away from her. She cries out, drags Jinana closer again, presses her face back to Jinana's shoulder and sees the flutter in Jinana's throat stop.
"No," she begs, one of her mouths moving against Jinana's palm. "No, please. Don't risk yourself like this, Jinana."
Jinana is sprawled under her, bleeding. Her expression is calm but she seems fascinated, runs her hands up the hard ridges of armour along Argilla's side, then back up her chest to her breasts again. Argilla tries to keep her mouths closed but Jinana's fingers trace the lines of the ridge that is as close to lips as she comes, and the touch is gentle, teasing, makes Argilla open them to suck air in as she does the same with the nostrils in her throat; all of a sudden it feels like she can barely breathe. She's dizzy, she's needy, she's so hungry. Jinana, bleeding, pushes herself upright. She leans in, presses her mouth to one of Argilla's mouth, slides her fingers inside the other one. Argilla gasps at the soft feel of Jinana's mouth, tastes Jinana's blood as the slight movement nicks Jinana's lips. She wants to cry but has no eyes. She has hurt Jinana even this much, even with just this. In her other mouth, Jinana's fingers explore the inside of her mouth, palms dragging over her teeth and causing her to bleed more.
She wants to tell Jinana to stop, tell her to lay quiet, not to waste her energy; she wants to tell Jinana again that it's too much risk, that she can't eat Jinana; if she devours Jinana she will die herself, if Jinana dies she feels as though she will die too. She can't; talking will take Jinana's hand off. Instead she remains frozen except for a faint sound that rises desperately in her chest. Jinana's fingers rub slowly against her tongue.
"Do not be sad, Argilla," Jinana says, leaning up to kiss the ridge of flesh above Argilla's mouth, and drives her wrist down on Argilla's teeth.
"Jinana," Argilla murmurs, and tilts her head back. The rain is falling down on her face, cold, cold, warm. She is naked, exposed. The others are around somewhere, she thinks, but not here. Here it is the two of them in an abandoned, empty world. She feels tired; her nipples are hardened from the cold of the rain.
"Argilla," Jinana says. She is sitting beside Argilla, naked as well, lean and strong with her ribs marked heavily against her skin, highlighted more from the wetness of her body. "I am very hungry."
Argilla turns her head, feels her hair trail against her own skin and against the wet rock beneath her. She says, "I ... I know, Jinana. Me too."
Slowly, Jinana touches Argilla's thigh with her fingertips. "Might I eat you, Argilla?"
Oh God! Argilla thinks, but does not know what god she would be addressing, or why she'd try to appeal to the source of this curse. She feels tired, raw, needy; she wants to see Jinana smile. She wants to live as well. She wants to refuse and can't linger on that because if Jinana gets too hungry she knows what will happen. It will kill her to kill Jinana. She moves her head from side to side as if she could shake the words around and then says, "All right."
Jinana's lips part. "Argilla," she says. "Do not be sad."
Slowly, feeling like the air is heavy, Argilla lifts an arm and presses the back of her wrist to her own eyes. It is darker in there, calmer. "No," she agrees.
She thinks, at first: Jinana is going to start with my thighs, and in a way, she does; she feels Jinana's painted lips kiss her thigh, roll her leg outward, kiss the same spot on the inside. She shivers; Jinana's lips are warm. Argilla makes a little noise at that; unespected. Isn't Jinana going to transform? They can eat like this, but it's harder.
This is going to be a hard death, she thinks, and tears prickle her eyes.
But Jinana moves up, leans in, kisses between her legs, and that is warm too, and sends a spike of pleasure through her. She shivers, spreads her legs wider, draws her knees up. Her nipples are so hard they hurt and she feels hungry, moves her own hands to them to hold them as if to keep them closed, to avoid letting them split into their own mouths. Jinana's mouth moves against her again and she tilts her head back; she can feel teeth but they're not sharp and Jinana isn't biting. Instead she licks; she catches the folds of softer skin there in her mouth and sucks them; she drags the suction of her mouth along so her nose is rubbing against the curls of Argilla's hair there and Argilla thinks irrelevantly that it must be difficult for Jinana to breathe.
It's good; it feels good, tense and hot and hungry and not painful, and it's terrible, she thinks distractedly as she shifts into it, it's terrible if giving up and being devoured feels so good, because she wants to live. She shifts again, runs the inside of her foot down Jinana's side, looks down and sees Jinana watching her with her green, green eyes, shivers and moans. The tension building in her feels like she's been holding her breath and reaching the point where she can't anymore, where it's going to rush out of her and she's going to suck in another whether she wants to or not. It feels like a terribly alive feeling, and she reaches down, twines her fingers into Jinana's hair, moves with a faint shift and rock up into Jinana's mouth until the edge of a tooth presses lightly against the nub and Argilla sucks a sharp breath in, eyes squeezing shut as the tension lashes through her in a rolling burst of pleasure and then retreats again, slowly, with a pulse like a heartbeat.
She is alive.
Her hands curl against her own thighs. She feels faint and content and worn out, but a chill is settling in. It occurs to her, abruptly, that she feels alone. The pleasure vanishes fast and she can't bring herself to open her eyes. Jinana isn't there and she is convinced, suddenly, that if she opens her eyes and looks to the side she'll see Jinana's corpse. There's something she's forgetting. Panic grows, chokes in her; she wants to cry. It was too good to last, it was too good to happen, it never happened. She can't bring herself to open her eyes. The cold is growing again. Come with me, come away from this, she thinks, but it's too late; life's moving on.
She opens her eyes and looks.
Argilla snaps awake on Roland's couch with a sour taste in her mouth. She stays very still for a long moment, breathing in, trying to calm down, and then she pushes herself off the couch and goes to the door in a hurry. She needs fresh air, and even as she's shouldering her quick way out of the room she knows that she can't get any here; they're deep underground.
He's outside, talking to Adil. It must be the middle of the night; he gives her a surprised look as she passes. "Bad dream?" he asks.
She forces a smile. "Yes," she says. "I'm... going for a walk." The others are probably still sleeping. It pains her to think it; there isn't that many of them left.
So she goes out and stands on the bridge between the Lokapala base and the underground city, and she looks at the darkened city roof. The dreams are leaving her, slowly, though she feels cold and tired. In Nirvana, everyone was supposed to be there. This place was supposed to be Nirvana. It wasn't. She's still alive and doesn't want to die, but she can't help but wonder what will come next.
She clenches her hands on the rail of the bridge and thinks, bitterly, I'm so tired of dying for love and living through it.