See No Evil [Loveless, Ritsuka/Soubi, R] Title: See No Evil Author:harukami Rating: R Warnings: None, really. Standard loveless stuff. Word count: 609 Summary: Ritsuka fears growing up because adults are dishonest. A/N: For the prompt Loveless, Ritsuka/Soubi: first time - "kindly unspoken you show your emotion/silence speaks louder than words". Crossposted to harukami.
Ritsuka doesn't make the decision out of love, honestly, or at least, not out of anything he could name 'love'. He is not feeling happy, he is not feeling prepared, he is not feeling at peace and ready and excited.
Instead he feels like he's drowning; he feels like he's falling apart. Soubi's leaning on him and is a weight like a nightmare, and there's a hot nervous tension through Ritsuka's body and he wants to run away and he wants to stay. His ears are laying back flat as Soubi sucks on his throat. He does. He doesn't. He can't decide. He says, "Okay, Soubi, just -- Okay."
And Soubi asks, "What?"
The confusion in his voice almost makes Ritsuka want to cry; instead he bristles, says, "You've always wanted to do this, right? Let's just do it!"
"But Ritsuka doesn't want to."
"But Soubi does!"
"Ah," Soubi says. "Yes. But Ritsuka doesn't want to."
"It's an order," Ritsuka sobs, because it's the only thing he knows for sure Soubi will listen to.
Soubi touches Ritsuka's cheek. "I think," he says, "we already missed the opportunity for a punchline."
Still, they end up here, naked together and Ritsuka's red down to his shoulders with shame and humiliation and embarrassment and creeping desire; Soubi is broad and naked and scarred up with undeniable horrifying truth of the inability to trust anything in this world. Ritsuka says, "I don't know what to do!"
"It's just like piercing my ears," Soubi says, and drapes his arms losely around Ritsuka's waist. Ritsuka's tail shifts spastically, nervously active. "Only not very."
"What does that mean?!"
"Shh," Soubi says.
As Soubi prepares himself with two fingers, Ritsuka can't really watch. Instead he stares to the side, to the corkboard full of photos of himself and Soubi, himself and Seimei, and he thinks that he might be hated for this; his mother, his schoolmates, everyone will know; it's the one honest thing adults show. After all, with your ears gone, you can't show emotion the same way; if someone sees you from behind, if they can't see your face, how can they know how you feel? Ears tell the world what children feel, ears broadcast everything -- need and fear and happiness and sadness, and as long as you can see that you know all there is to know. He's falling into a world, he thinks, without signs, this is the fairy tale theory of the forest. He's so turned on he can hardly stand it.
Death and sex, he thinks, they're always tied, this Ritsuka may die again, and he can't know what Ritsuka will be reborn as an adult, or if he won't be reborn at all; his heart is racing and he can't stand it, he wants to die, he really wants to die.
"Ritsuka," Soubi says. "Take me."
Ritsuka squeezes his eyes shut. He's going to embarrass himself somehow, he thinks, crying or dying or something. "Come here," he says.
Afterwards he rolls over so his back is to Soubi; Soubi is curled in behind him, draped over him, and Ritsuka is glad that he knows how to cry silently, and is glad that Soubi cannot see his face.
But Soubi murmurs quietly, "Ritsuka, why are you sad?"
"I - I'm not," Ritsuka says. And then he gives up, going limp, shaking. "How did you know?" he asks plantively, curling his fingers around Soubi's wrist, where his hand rests against Ritsuka's belly. "How do you always know? You can't see it!"
"Ritsuka is my sacrifice," Soubi says, and Ritsuka is glad that Soubi is the sort to hold him closer, because he wants to pull away, but not as much as he wants to be held as he cries.